The Search for Something More
by cplust
Summary: Bella writes in her journal about her past and current relationships. AH, one shot.


When I was five I had my first kiss. I don't remember much about it, just that it was my first and it was with the most popular boy in school―well as popular as you can get in preschool. Every girl wanted him. I'm pretty certain that I wasn't the only one who had their first kiss by him.

His name was Paul. He was sort―a lot shorter then me. I was the tallest girl in the class―actually up until high school I always stood out because of my height. Even the boys weren't as tall as me. But that has nothing to do with this. Paul came over a lot. Sometimes we would go sledding because it was winter during the time. I remember this particular time I was sledding down this big hill, and I hit a tree on the way down. I'm sure it was embarrassing.

I remember my first kiss happened in my bedroom. I know that our shirts were up over our head, and he was on top of me―I know this because my mother had walked in. My mother had told me when she took him home, she told his father what we were doing in my bedroom. Paul had told his father that he just wanted to "kiss me like daddy kisses mommy." My mother still gets a kick out of that.

Ever since then, I've been sort of boy crazy...

* * *

I was nine when I had my first boyfriend. He wasn't really a boyfriend, I didn't really know him. My babysitter babysat him every once in a while. That was how I met him. His name was Peter. He was cute, shorter then me―of course. Blond, and listened to rap music. I remember this because whenever I would buy one of those teeny-bopper magazines, I would give him my Eminem posters.

We didn't kiss a lot. We definitely didn't kiss like Paul had kissed me that time. We went swimming a lot, and played with the other kids that my babysitter babysat.

We dated for a couple months―if you would call it that. Until this girl moved in beside me. She was younger then me, with dark brown hair. She was bad, always stealing and lying to not only her parents, but to my parents as well. I clung to her right away. My parents didn't like that very much. It didn't take long for Lauren―that was her name―to take a certain liking to my boyfriend. Of course he liked her right back, why wouldn't he?

I remember she wrote me a note asking if she could go out with Peter. I don't remember what I said, I guess I said yes. I really don't know what I was thinking. I remember Peter writing her a note asking if she liked him, and to check yes or no in the box below. I was jealous, of course. Though, I didn't know I was jealous back then.

Needless to say, they dated. I threw a rock at him. I remember him crying and flipping me the bird before running into the babysitters house. I guess I could of hurt him bad―my mother had told me. I was in big trouble, I wasn't allowed to see Lauren or Peter ever again. Of course I didn't listen. After Peter cooled off, we hung out. As friends of course, because he was dating Lauren. Sometimes I would walk in on them, and see them dry humping and french kissing. Eventually they both moved away, and I never seen them again.

* * *

I got my first real boyfriend when I was twelve. I was so completely in love―well, I thought I was. His name―Sam. He was the same height as me, really skinny and brown hair. He was sweet, always telling me he loved me, and I was his everything. Obviously, I was naive and believed him. I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was so ridiculous. We were together for 2 years, off and on.

We fought constantly. Over stupid things like jealousy―constantly. The relationship was so controlling, to the point where I wasn't allowed to talk to any other boys. But I can't blame him, because I got mad when he talked to any other girls either.

Sam would talk to different girls on the computer and actually be in a relationship with them behind my back. He would tell them he was single, and tell me he loved me. Me and the other girls, didn't have a clue. Until some girl told me. See, I thought I loved this boy. So whenever he would pull this kind of thing, I would take him back and believe he wouldn't cheat on me or hurt me ever again. I didn't think I would ever fall out of love with him―but I wanted too. I remember I wanted too.

The relationship was so completely fucked up, to the point where this random boy moved down the street, and I let him eat me out. I sucked his dick, and cheated on Sam. I didn't care. This random boy―he doesn't deserve to have a name. He was using me, but I couldn't see it. I was so naive. I think I just wanted to feel something other then love for an asshole who hurt me constantly. See, I would tell Sam about this boy. We would fight, and break up and then we would get back together with less and less trust until there wasn't any at all. This boy though, he didn't stay around long. He moved and then moved back, and again and again. But whenever he would come back around, I would cheat on Sam. Again, I didn't care. But whatever, I can't take it back.

Me and Sam started a job together that summer. Strawberry picking―not a real job, obviously. We were fourteen at the time. I remember that I was really into it, and I enjoyed it a lot. But we would still fight constantly and I hated him for being so mean when I just wanted to have fun and enjoy my first job. Eventually we drifted, he stopped going strawberry picking and we broke up. I continued working, and made new friends and had a lot of fun.

At first, it was hard. All I thought about was him, and he would do everything to make me jealous. I remember trying to get back with him a couple times, and when we did, it didn't last long. We weren't mean to be.

The funny thing about the end of this story is that, I met this girl who had a boyfriend. Turns out her boyfriend was friends with Peter. I became best friends with this girl and started seeing Peter again. It didn't last long though. I don't remember why, I don't even remember us breaking up. I guess we just drifted.

* * *

I started seeing this guy, not to long after me and Peter ended. His name―Brady. He was hot. He was a lot taller then me, with a nice body. I was really into him. I had this friend, Angela. At the time, she was my best friend. Her and her family belonged to this church. They had this thing every Friday for teens to go too. We played games and just hung out. It was a lot of fun. That was where I met Brady.

We would meet behind the church or in the church library and make out. He would feel me up and I would let him. We were never anything more then friends who made out. I showed him my boobs once in a while, and he would show me his stomach. He had a very nice stomach. I would never see anything more and it was never anything more.

I'm not exactly sure what happened. I think he got a girlfriend and things just ended. I still continued to go to the church thing every Friday and so did he. We still hung out, but it was never anything more. Nothing like it use to be.

* * *

That Christmas I was at my friends house―Jessica. I was helping her wrap Christmas presents for her parents. She was signed onto chat on her computer, and somebody signed on line. When it made a sound, I went to check it out. I didn't recognize the name at all, and asked who it was. It was Jacob. A boy I went to preschool with. I remembered him distinctly because Jessica was in love with him back in the day. She would chase him around the school yard and kiss him. Also, I remember him because I hated him. He was the meanest, rudest kid I had ever met back then, and I always tried to stay away from him.

Anyway, I ended up talking to Jacob that night on Jessica's computer. We exchanged our information and we continued talking, and talking. We talked non-stop. We became good friends, but I never felt anything more. He had told me he liked me, and I had told him I liked him too, even though I didn't. He asked me out, and since I didn't have any boys around at the time, I said yes―without meeting him first. We said I love you, that night too. We continued talking that whole Christmas break and we finally decided to meet each other. And I really fell in love―or so I thought. He was taller then me, and sweet and had beautiful eyes. Needless to say, he was my first. And to top if off, his parents loved me. They were so nice.

We dated for almost a year off and on, because apparently I'm not capable of having a normal relationship. We spent a lot of time with my family―my parents adored him. We went camping and went to the beach. Or we would just hang out with my parents. But, Jacob was a lot like Sam. He didn't trust me, and in return I didn't trust him either. So he cheated on me. And I let him, because I would always take him back. No matter how much he hurt me. I remember wanting desperately to be over him. But the more he would hurt me, the more I wanted him. It was pathetic. I was pathetic.

Around that time, this boy―James moved into town. I know I was still with Jacob, but I remember I would see James bike up and down my street, and I just knew I wanted him. I knew I would date him eventually and he would be mine. And he was.

I started hanging out with James more and more everyday. I could have my cake and eat it too. I had my fun with James, and was still with Jacob. Jacob eventually cheated on me, and I couldn't do it anymore. I remember him coming home and calling me, telling me he had kissed another girl. Later on―about a year later, I found out he actually had sex with her. Anyway, I was crushed. We broke up. And I didn't waste anytime, I had told a friend I needed a new boy asap. And she found me one. His name isn't important. We talked on the computer a lot, and eventually we hung out. We had sex. He was the only boy I ever had sex with, other then Jacob. I was uncomfortable and awkward, and I remember wishing that it was with Jacob instead of this boy. I stopped seeing that boy immediately. He didn't mean anything, and just made me miss Jacob more. I contacted Jacob right away, I told him I missed him and wanted him back. So we got back together.

Summer started then, so Jacob was over everyday. Jame's was still around because he was best friends with my brother, Emmett. He would spend the night a lot, and obviously we would flirt. James was tall, and tan and had sandy blond hair. He was beautiful, and had sparkling white teeth. Eventually it came down, to where I needed to pick. I picked James. I remember picking James, we were officially dating. And I didn't tell Jacob, so when Jacob came over after football one day, he tried to hold my hand. And I wouldn't let him. He knew something was up, and I told him. He ended up walking the two hour walk home. At the time, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel bad or hurt or whatever. I was with James and I could start over and be happy―for once.

School started back up eventually―James wasn't in my school but Jacob was. So I started getting closer to Jacob up again. I remember my brother coming home from school, telling me that Jame's was planning on breaking up with me because there were to many nice looking girls at school. So, I called James and broke up with him first. I didn't see him a lot after that, he stayed away from my house. I started dating Jacob again that day. It was the same as ever, lying, cheating and no trust. I wasn't sure how much I could handle, and I wasn't sure why I kept going back. At the time, I thought I loved him―I really did. Eventually Jacob moved. He had to switch schools, so I would see him less and less until I didn't want to be with him anymore. There were no other boys, I just realized, I was better off without him.

I remember that year―the first snow fall that winter―All the kids in the neighborhood were outside playing in it. Of course, James was out there. And needless to say, we flirted. A lot. That night he called me and told me he liked me. We started dating that night. Everything was perfect, for the most part. I was still fucked up from my past relationships. I still talked to Jacob, everyday. He started smoking and using drugs, so I knew I did the right thing by breaking up with him. But the baggage from that relationship was still there, and it carried over to my relationship with James. We didn't last long, 5 months.

But it took me 2 years to get over him.

* * *

I seen a couple boys during that 2 year span.

Eric―we went to the movies a couple times. I went to his house once and we made out. We mostly just talked on the computer, he was a lot older and he intimated me a lot. We eventually stopped talking.

Jared―I started seeing Jared 2 summers after me and James broke up. He was the first boy, I actually felt something for since James. To bad he was a compulsive liar and cheater. It wasn't much of a relationship. We were friends beforehand, for years. I knew what he was like and how he treated girls. I never had any interest in him before, but all of a sudden he was appealing to me. So we dated, I trusted him. I figured since we were friends first, he wouldn't do me like he did other girls. I was wrong. I lost a friend when I started seeing Jared. Maggie―She had dated Jared first, and had actually lost her virginity to him. It was overall a low blow on my part. I was a bad friend and didn't deserve her.

Anyway, Jared disappeared for a couple days. I think that was his way of breaking up with me, because he didn't have enough balls to say he didn't have feelings for me anymore. So I broke up with him. We continued to talk though, off and on for a couple months after that. I was eighteen at the time. We had sex occasionally. It meant nothing. I don't even know why I did it, he was terrible in bed.

Phill―I started seeing him about around the time me and Jared started drifting apart. We talked a lot, and the more my feelings progressed, the more awkward I felt around him. He wasn't the best boy for me to get involved with. He liked anal sex, and snorted coke. Oh, and he was going to jail that February. I saw something that wasn't really there, apparently. He wanted sex, and made that very clear. I just didn't listen. We talked until he went to jail. It never turned into anything. We kissed a couple times, it never got any farther then that. I may or may not of sent him a picture of my breasts via text.

Last but not least there is Liam. I met Liam through a dating website. I was lonely, and wanted a decent boyfriend. Obviously I couldn't find them on my own. Liam was incredibly sexy and had gorgeous lips. He had long, shaggy blond hair, and had the perfect voice. He was a singer. He was also two years younger. We started talking heavily on the computer for a couple days, until it was to the point where he knew all my secrets and everything good and bad that had ever happened to me in my past. I knew things about him too. He was a great listener, and I just couldn't stop talking. Eventually he wanted to meet, so we did. I made it a double date, so it wasn't incredibly awkward. I actually had a nice time. We had our first kiss that night.

Then his ex girlfriend messaged me. She had called me a whore and said there was something wrong with me for dating someone two years younger. I ignored her and kept seeing Liam. She kept messaging me, and would know what we were doing and what we were talking about. Liam thought I was telling her, I thought he was telling her. I still don't know to this day. The third time me and Liam hung out, we had sex. And I can't really describe what I felt afterward. I just knew it was over, the minute he pulled out. We went home, and he told me he was getting back together with his ex. Surprisingly I was fine.

His ex continued to message me, and I decided that ignoring her wasn't going to work. I would tell her off, and she would tell me off. It went back and forth for over a week. She had won, she had got the guy. I didn't see her problem. Liam and me couldn't speak anymore because of her, and I was okay with that. I understood, it wasn't like I never had a boyfriend before. Eventually his ex left me alone, and my life went back to normal.

Lonely.

* * *

Remember that dating website I was telling you about? Well, it worked. Apparently they aren't just for sex. About two weeks after the Liam thing, I met Edward. Seriously―the man of my dreams. Sure, you can judge me. I haven't exactly had the best track record, but I do know how I feel. And compared to all the boys I've dated and knew in my life―nobody compares to Edward. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man. He's perfect and sweet, and loyal and he trusts me and I trust him. He doesn't lie to me, and he just wants me happy. No matter what. He's got the most beautiful blue eyes, and the cutest receding hairline. He thinks he's overweight, I think he's perfect. But I've already said that, a million times. He makes me so happy―more then I've ever been in a relationship before. And I just know he's the one. He makes me laugh and my mother also adores him.

Edward holds me when I'm sleeping, he plays with my hair. He offers to give me feet and back massages. One time, he gave me a full body massage. He'd rather please me during sex, then actually get off. He does everything he can to make me laugh. He sings to me, and offers to spend all his money on me. Sure, he isn't actually perfect, his farts way too much and picks his nose and wipes it on the bed. He stays up all night and spends to much money on video games. His rooms always a mess and he's to lazy to walk upstairs to use the bathroom. But I love him, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.

We've only been dating for 4 months, but it's been perfect. Every minute of it. I've never been so comfortable around a boy before. We talk about everything. He knows everything anybody could possibly know about me, and then some. He doesn't intimidate me, or scare me. I'm not worried he's going to cheat or meet some other girl. I know he loves me, and that's that.

Maybe he isn't the one? Who really knows. I can't tell the future. But I know I want him to be the one. I don't want anyone else. I know that.


End file.
